Conjunctions
In primary school, we learned about the use of conjunctions, and how they can be used to supplement sentences, written and spoken. “I can be successful if I work hard”, or “I like neither Pepsi nor Coke”.
As business communicators, we’re taught to use “and” instead of “but”, because “but” often dismisses the first half of a sentence. So, I always consciously think before I say “but”, trying to replace it with “and”. “I hear your concerns, and let’s figure out a solution”. “It’s a complicated project, and we’re going to land it, team!”.
I’m convinced the most impactful part of a sentence comes after the word “but”. The first part of a sentence gets people excited – they’re already mentally starting to celebrate, only to be let down by the second half of the sentence.
“I was thrilled to receive your invitation, but I’m afraid I can’t attend.”
“Thanks for interviewing. You are very talented and we like what you have, but you were not the successful candidate.”
“The food is delicious, but it’s too spicy for me.”
“I’m sorry I upset you, but you started it.”
Everything leading up to the conjunction sounds like what anyone would want to hear. Then comes the second part of the sentence. Not so nice.
It feels like people use “but” when they’re chickening out. What they really want to tell you is lurking behind the “but”.
What if we reversed the sentences: “I don’t want to marry you, but I do love you”. “You didn’t get the job, but you have lots of potential”. See? So much more practical, and it doesn’t get people’s hopes up right up front.
It’s clear that my strategy of using “and” as a replacement doesn’t always work. You can’t possibly say “I love you AND I don’t want to marry you”, or “You are talented AND you didn’t get the job”. Hmmmm, no.
My husband says that perhaps this isn’t chickening out. They’re just sweetening the pot to prepare you for the let-down, which is apparently, rather “kind” of them. Hmmmm, no, again.
He could be right, BUT I don’t think he is.
Email me: bernadette@gogettercoaching.com .