Talking, lecturing, listening

Years ago, I was at the immigration counter in one of the countries I visited for work. The agent asked me what brought me to the country. I handed him the official invitation from my hosts, who in this case, happened to be royalty, literally. I squirmed inwardly as he squinted for a while at the invitation. “I’m here on business”, I said, “to do presentations at the Royal Institute and the University”. “Oh”, said the agent, “you’re here to give lectures! Welcome to our country, maybe we can learn a few things from you. Thank you for sharing your expertise”.

I was 1) relieved; and 2) touched at the grace of the man for saying this. But that lasted all of three minutes. I began to ponder on his choice of words: Lecture versus presentation. Was there a difference? Did different people view those two things as the same thing? Then, like lightning, a memory materialized in my jet-lagged mind. A thought from back when my kids were teenagers. Back then, whenever I mentioned that I’d be travelling on business, my kids would glance knowingly at each other….”Mom’s giving a lecture”, they’d chuckle. You see, any advice to them that took longer than 5 seconds, was deemed “a lecture”.

This got me thinking – as a public speaker, should I be listening instead? Maybe presentations are overrated. Maybe it’s smarter to listen to what people have to say, invite their questions, and then offer my expertise, experience and wisdom, resulting in more engaging dialogues with better results. So I did.

Listening is an art. It is also a gift - to yourself, and better still, to others. It is the act of creating space where others feel heard, without judgement. Listening builds empathy and fosters emotional intelligence. A precious asset of true leaders is the ability and willingness to listen. Autocratic leaders prefer to talk and not listen.

Rarely will you find people who are willing to stay silent while you speak, offering only words of comprehension or support. More often, people like to talk – about themselves, their travels, their children or grandchildren, their recent activities. They are completely uninterested in the other person’s views or experience. They don’t give the “hearer” a chance to comment, to offer their opinions, or to share a similar experience. I say “hearer” because frequently the person being spoken to is just hearing sounds rather than listening.

There’s a reflective song by Simon and Garfunkel - Sound of Silence – with the phrase “…..people hearing without listening…..”. As a kid I wondered what that meant. As a coach – whose business it is to listen actively, I recall that phrase often. It reminds me that in life, the “free” gifts are by far, the most precious ones – love, time, kindness, caring, compassion, smiles, friendship.

Each time I meet someone, I try to give the gift of listening.

Email me: bernadette@gogettercoaching.com .